Wednesday, March 15, 2006

And So It Is...

When Sam came over for lunch at NUS yesterday, I realized she was quite abreast with my news. "I read your blog mah," she drawled. In fact, she reads it because "it is good for destressing!" She thinks my blog reeks of mad-hat absurdity that makes her go ha-ha-ha.

Right. But I'm afraid today's post will be a melancholic one, my dear Sam. Thus, do please refrain from reading it. In fact, I am blasting Damien Rice's sappy tearducts-tugging tunes in my iPod to up the melancholy semblance as I am typing. And there you have it - a disclaimer. Ain't I thoughtful?

So... over a dinner of sushi last night, Sandy let on that 1-2 weeks ago, someone called to lament to her that he was on the verge of turning berserk at the dismal outcome of the relationship. In fact, he was so persistent in extracting an answer from the poor clueless girl, I could sensed her exasperation during her narration. At that moment, I just felt this whole sheet of guilt enveloping me. Guilt for wrecking someone's life. Guilt for implicating my poor girl pal. Nothing but guilt. It feels like shite, really.

Although I came out from the breakup looking like a nonchalant party, the truth is I am tortured in many other ways. I keep a distance from my family and relatives, avoiding any shred of opportunities where they would ask me about my love life. I suffer guilt, guilt and more guilt. I suppress all these guilt within, I suppress all the am-i-heartless thoughts. I wonder when karma will come round and deliver the tight slap of retribution on my face.

I have an intense yearning to fly away. Maybe an overseas appointment after my graduation would be a good thing. I remembered those times when I would be reluctant leaving my mum or my dog behind on overseas trips. Why this change? It is this insane weariness, goddamnit. I swore I did not come out of the battle unwounded.

Anyway, after dinner, my brother requested for some drinks at Holland Village. Over his strawberry yoghurt drink, he animatedly recited the intricate operation of the male gender.

Alan: When a guy chu so many patterns already, sometimes he is no longer getting you for you.
Alan: He is doing it for his ego.
Me: WTF?
Me: No way. I'm sure I know people like that, but some guys aren't.
Alan: Don't be stupid! I am telling you this because I'm your brother!
Alan: You are disgusted with me, aren't you?
Me: ... yeah.
Alan: But look! I'm so nice to my 2 girls, they think I am a saint, doing all these fucked-up things.
Me: ...
Alan: Don't be naive lah, sista.
Alan: We only show the good side to the women whose skirts we are chasing.

Isn't it scary?

Now, pardon me while I go bask in melancholy.


Anonymous yq said...

ya i agree with ur brother... which makes me really thankful that i realised what has been going on now rather than later (like after marriage or something) when it would have been harder to get out of it.

12:00 PM  
Anonymous Toukarin said...

I know I'm in no position to comment given that I don't know the details... but sometimes it's not the case whereby you ponder upon 'guilt' or 'being heartless'.

To be on a fair side, it seems to me that he suffers no guilt for taking you for granted, no guilt for working on your weakness of being easy to pacify despite repeated actions that piss you off, amongst other things of which I have no idea.

I'm not saying he's all bad - everyone has his or her good & bad points. But sometimes, when you grow weary and tired, you just want to leave. Because you know you need to leave. Like how your subconscious mind generates your intense desire to fly away. Because at the current moment, it's best to avoid the issue and not talk about it until it dies down.

Just like the old days when a typo in some code embedded deep down 5-6 layers of call stacks can be a nightmare to debug. You'll want start over and code from scratch, but others will want to probe through everything. (Pardon the poor programming analogy)

So as it stands, you need to leave, because you understand the r/s isn't going anywhere. He doesn't, because he doesn't realize the problem(s) and its implications. There's nothing much to do except to wait for time to perform its miracles, so as to speak.

On a side note, what your brother says would be accurate of young boys chasing girls. Not because they want to show a good side, but because it's essential. Being a saint garners attention - but as you get older you'll realize a r/s isn't just about showing your good side. It's about acceptance of both the good & bad points, which requires nothing more than commitment and hard work. Why show 50% of yourself (good side only) and be incomplete when you can always show 100% and be a complete person? At least by doing the latter, you can be sure the person who will fall in love with you isn't only in touch with half of you.

My 2^10 = 1024 cents worth. (I always end up writing enough words to post on my own blog of which I never succeeded in updating)

1:02 PM  
Blogger jellybeano said...

yq: Hey you cut your hair! HAHA. I couldn't recognize you :P

toukarin: Wah lao, you are like writing GP essay!

11:39 AM  
Anonymous candii said...

Feel guilt only when you do things deliberately to cause hurt. From the way I see, the person needs to get a grip of himself and try his best to move on, like me. I thought I did an awful job in getting over, till I talk to my pals, some of whom took as long as 4 years to be totally unaffected. Well, a breakup is never easy, no matter which side u are on.

12:42 PM  
Blogger Samantha said...

There is nothing you can do when such things happen. You have not met your Mr. Right, that's all. It's no one's fault.

I that's what i told myself last time too. Worse still, Ivan is the "supposed" third party.

But think long term!

It was 7 years ago, but recently I saw him happily with a new girl.

I guess if i had hung on last time because of some possible guilt that could engulf me, we all wouldn't be as happy now.

1:12 PM  
Blogger Samantha said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

1:14 PM  
Blogger jellybeano said...

candii: Okay lah, I think you are doing quite well...


4:05 PM  

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